How to talk to people with cancer

By Jeanne Sather


Many people shy away when a friend or relative is diagnosed with cancer, because they just don't know what to say.



I've lived with, and written about, cancer for more than nine years now, and I've had people--friends and total strangers both--say some pretty horrific things to me.
I've also had a number of people come to me for advice, both people who want to know what to say to someone with cancer, and cancer patients who want to know how to respond to upsetting comments.



Here is my advice.



Talk less

There are times when less is more, and responding to the news that a friend or relative has cancer is one of those times.



First, follow the lead of the person who has cancer. We cancer patients do not all cope with our diagnosis in the same way. Some people will be very open about their cancer, others will say very little. When someone you know says, "I have cancer," the best initial response is simply, "I am very sorry to hear that."
Then stop, and take your cues from the other person.



Don't tell horror stories

A surprising number of people respond to the news of a cancer diagnosis by telling a story about someone they know who has died of cancer.
This even happened when I was at the Department of Motor Vehicles to get a new driver's license: the clerk, seeing my bald head, told me about her mother's death from breast cancer.


Do offer positive stories

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I did not know a single woman who had the disease and survived. During those early weeks, my friends brought me stories of women who had survived breast cancer and were doing well. They gave me phone numbers of more women who had survived and who could tell me, with authority, that I would survive it, too.



These women told me that I would cry when my hair fell out, that I would feel sick with chemo, that I would sometimes feel very sorry for myself, that I would laugh sometimes at the indignity of it all, but that I would get through it, as they had.
They were the greatest gift, these stories.



Don't suggest treatments

Unless you are asked, keep your advice and opinions to yourself. Just because your friend told you that she has cancer does not mean that she wants you to suggest treatments. Unsolicited opinions and unwanted advice are intrusive, and just make the cancer patient’s life harder.



Ask questions carefully



"How long have you got?" and "What's the prognosis?" are just about the worst things you can ask. If you do want to know, and you think you are close enough to the person to ask, the right way is to inquire, "May I ask you what your doctor says?"



Avoid clichés

When faced with a friend who has cancer, most people say, "Let me know what I can do," whether they are willing to help or not.



If you DO want to help, ask, "What kind of help do you need?" Or make a specific suggestion, "Could I bring over a meal next week?" Or, "Do you need me to drive you to appointments?"



If you DON'T want to help, don't make an insincere offer. Just express your regrets and stop there.



Keep it simple

Your message can be very simple. When a good friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer about a year ago, I e-mailed her regularly to offer support and to answer her questions.



The one message that really made a difference was a very simple one: I e-mailed her before she started chemo and said: "You can do this. It won't be fun, but it won't be all that bad either. You can do it."



She replied immediately: "Your saying 'You can do this,' just had a big effect on me. I think that's what I need. I'll tell my husband to tell me that often."



Jeanne Sather is an outspoken advocate for the cancer patient's point of view and writes at The Assertive Cancer Patient.